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Post by ionicdesign on Mar 26, 2008 11:08:32 GMT -5
Here's my personal favorite internet joke, and anyone from France may want to look away for a moment: --Go To Google.com --Type in "French Military Victories" --Click "I'm Feeling Lucky" --Proceed to be slightly amused Hehe, one along the same lines: —Go to www.Google.com—type in "Find Chuck Norris" (it is important to include the word find) —Click the I'm feeling lucky button. —enjoy
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Leumas
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Post by Leumas on Mar 26, 2008 12:00:15 GMT -5
Here's my personal favorite internet joke, and anyone from France may want to look away for a moment: --Go To Google.com --Type in "French Military Victories" --Click "I'm Feeling Lucky" --Proceed to be slightly amused Hehe, one along the same lines: —Go to www.Google.com—type in "Find Chuck Norris" (it is important to include the word find) —Click the I'm feeling lucky button. —enjoy Haha, my brother told me this one. It's pretty funny. This next one is rather a riddle than a joke: A man is lying dead in a field. There is nothing around, no rocks, no people, just grass. If he had an object on his back, he probably would've survived. What is the object?
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Post by greyelephant on Mar 26, 2008 15:25:03 GMT -5
I'm guessing a parachute?
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Leumas
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Post by Leumas on Mar 26, 2008 21:17:31 GMT -5
I'm guessing a parachute? Yeah.
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Post by greyelephant on Apr 9, 2008 19:27:37 GMT -5
I got this in an Email and thought it was funny enough to pass along.
True Friendship
None of that Sissy Cr @ p Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever the heck you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt. 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, Then get depressed because you can only think of 4
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Leumas
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Post by Leumas on Apr 9, 2008 21:25:10 GMT -5
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth. This made me laugh the most.
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Post by greyelephant on Apr 28, 2008 15:33:44 GMT -5
Here is a list of "Idiot Sightings".
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we didn't have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at the time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said "no, it's not! Four is larger than two......"
We haven't used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through he McD's take our window and our total was $4.25. I gave the clerk a $5 dollar bill and I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request, I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry, but we can't do that kind of thing". The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1.75 in change.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce". He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on the road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here" I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore!"
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for? I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on Earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer.
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing", our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun! We should do this more often!" Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. The was at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, could not understand why her system wouldn't turn on.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey", I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
STAY ALERT! They walk among us.....and the scary part is that they VOTE and, worse, they BREED!
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Destroyer
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Post by Destroyer on Apr 30, 2008 8:06:05 GMT -5
Dumb Criminals
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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Post by greyelephant on Apr 30, 2008 18:03:41 GMT -5
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida? ?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
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Post by superflytnt on May 1, 2008 8:25:48 GMT -5
I have a one-legged, one-armed buddy who was in a bar, ran into a one-legged, one-armed girl. He walked up and said, "You complete me!"
LOL - that was from a buddy of GE's at the Energon Invitational.
I nearly sharted when I read that "Diary of a CaT"
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Post by greyelephant on May 4, 2008 18:07:08 GMT -5
Not so much a funny joke, but a fact of life.
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee > > When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours >in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of >coffee. > > A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in >front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large >and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then >asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. > > The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the >jar He sh! ook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas >between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was >full. They agreed it was. > > The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. >Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the >jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.' > > The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and >poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space
>between the sand. The students laughed. > > 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to >recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the >important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends >and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they >remained, your life would still be full. > > The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house >and your car. > T he sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand
>into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the >golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy >on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are >important to you. > 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend >time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with >grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to >dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and >fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that >really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' > > One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee >represented . > The professor smiled and > said, 'I'm glad you asked.' > The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, >there's always room for a couple of cups of co! ffee wi th a friend.' >
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Post by SinisterSyndicater on May 7, 2008 18:30:08 GMT -5
I couldn't get the Google maps one to work, but the "French Military Victories" Made me literally "lol" which i continued doing for over a minute! Thank you for that grievous!
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Post by greyelephant on May 29, 2008 13:54:33 GMT -5
M R SNAKES M R NOT O S A R C D B D EYES L I B M R SNAKES
;D
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Post by malform on May 29, 2008 15:17:30 GMT -5
M R SNAKES M R NOT O S A R C D B D EYES L I B M R SNAKES ;D My god, that took me forever to figure out (extreme hick talk)... And, I dont really see how its funny.
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Post by greyelephant on May 29, 2008 18:57:14 GMT -5
Posted by malform on Today at 4:17pm My god, that took me forever to figure out (extreme hick talk)... And, I dont really see how its funny. |
Still made you look. ;D
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