Leumas
40 Point Leader
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Posts: 1,204
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Post by Leumas on May 29, 2008 21:00:26 GMT -5
M R DUCKS M R NOT O S M R C M WANGS L I B M R DUCKS
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Ben Kenobi
40 Point Warrior
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Posts: 931
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Post by Ben Kenobi on May 29, 2008 22:58:08 GMT -5
You guys don't know how many times I read "Mr. Snakes, Mr. Not" before I figured out what it was saying. Good show.
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Post by greyelephant on Jun 9, 2008 11:57:46 GMT -5
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle', said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, 'Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.' The preacher said, 'I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I quit cussing that I do not even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!'
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Post by Radar on Jun 13, 2008 22:33:13 GMT -5
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Post by greyelephant on Jun 14, 2008 8:33:44 GMT -5
"So you like trained Darth Maul"? "Yeah" "Sweet, that guy is cool"!
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Ataru
40 Point Leader
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Posts: 1,017
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Post by Ataru on Jun 15, 2008 21:01:51 GMT -5
I couldn't stop laughing after reading this one... one of those forwards that's funny to the point where it doesn't even feel like spam.
"The Pillsbury Doughboy -- dead at 71.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes."
HAHAHAHA! *dies laughing*
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Post by greyelephant on Jun 17, 2008 19:15:34 GMT -5
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered mamma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Mama replied, "Well, yes - it makes it ea sier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all comes a-running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,
"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names."
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Himura297
20 Point Captain
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Posts: 153
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Post by Himura297 on Jun 18, 2008 11:51:02 GMT -5
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. He said to himself, "What majestic trees!" What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. After looking over his shoulder again, he saw that the bear was drawing nearer. He tripped and fell on the ground, rolling over to pick himself up. But he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out to God. Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty. Amen."
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Post by superflytnt on Jun 18, 2008 13:29:14 GMT -5
An Irishman and a Greek are sitting at lunch, discussing who has the superior culture. The Greek says, "We're superior as we built the Parthenon, one of the great engineering marvels of the Golden Age", to which the Irishman responds, "Aye, true that is but we Irish discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices, which was the beginnings of the study of the universe". The Greek thought for a moment and responded, "Well speaking of science, we Greeks invented the concepts of advanced mathematics!", to which the Irishman responded, "Aye, that's true as well, but without our discovery of calendars and timepieces you'd not know WHEN you discovered it, would ye?". Finally, thinking that the Greek would have to come up with something SO good that the Irishman would HAVE to concede, with a flourish he states, "Perhaps, but we Greeks invented SEX!". Without missing a beat, the Irishman rebuts, "Aye, you may have, but we Irish introduced it to WOMEN!"
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Post by greyelephant on Jul 1, 2008 15:03:48 GMT -5
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ladybritannia
30 Point Captain
CV Liaison
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Posts: 258
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Post by ladybritannia on Jul 1, 2008 16:19:41 GMT -5
That is really funny, a great parody x2.
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Post by greyelephant on Jul 2, 2008 12:36:01 GMT -5
Subject: English is easy!? > > > > 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. > 2) The farm was used to produce produce. > 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. > 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. > 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. > 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. > 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present . > 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. > 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. > 10) I did not object to the object. > 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. > 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. > 13) They were too close to the door to close it. > 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. > 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. > 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. > 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. > 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. > 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. > 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? > Let's face it. English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; no apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if > we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? We say one goose, but two geese, so why not one moose, two meese, and one index, two indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and > send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell? > How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the > stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are > invisible. > PS: Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick?' > Lovers of language might also enjoy this. > There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other > two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' > It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, > but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a > topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and > why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? > We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the > silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house > and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real > special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an > appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP > is special. > And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. > We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. > We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper > uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it > takes UP almost a quarter of the page and can add UP to about thirty > definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many > ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, > you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is > clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ... > When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. > When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. > One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so... it is > time to shut UP! > Oh . . . one more thing: > What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at > night? U-P
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griffey
10 Point Trooper
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Posts: 13
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Post by griffey on Jul 3, 2008 16:55:09 GMT -5
hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...ha
nice
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Post by Radar on Feb 20, 2010 14:08:41 GMT -5
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Post by attacktixman on Feb 23, 2010 14:16:51 GMT -5
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