|
Post by turbomagnus on Jul 16, 2007 20:04:06 GMT -5
Ataru... Don't take this the wrong way, man, but if somebody actually does put something like that out, I am going to blame you...
...Just what the world would need, another excuse for people to needlessly use AOL-speak...
|
|
|
Post by mhfplayer on Jul 16, 2007 20:49:20 GMT -5
Uh...yeah... Who is Winston Churchill?
I don't know if this qualifies as a joke but I saw some sigs on another board that said:
"Practice makes perfect, but since nobody's perfect, why practice?" "Since nobody's perfect, and I'm a nobody, does that mean I'm perfect?"
EDIT: "You should always proofread or go over your post twice to make you didn't any words out."
|
|
|
Post by Turkish Van Cat on Jul 16, 2007 21:06:06 GMT -5
What did the physicist have for lunch? ----------------------- Fission Chips!
Why was the tree so sad? ------------------------------------- Because he wasn't poplar.
An atom walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says, "Oh, I'm all bummed out; I lost another electron today." The bartender asks, "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."
A sodium and a chlorine atom walk into a bar and sit at the same table. Later, they were arrested for a-salt.
Why do mathematicians have such keen senses of smell? -- Because they're good at evaluating those good ol'factorials.
Why did Bach call a repairman? ----------------------------------- Because his music was all B'roke!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
These are just some of the jokes I can remember off the top of my head. If I think of or recall any others, I 'll be sure to post them (that is, if you guys enjoy corny science, math, and music jokes ;D)
|
|
Leumas
40 Point Leader
?????$??? ?
Posts: 1,204
|
Post by Leumas on Jul 16, 2007 21:19:54 GMT -5
A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head are all about to face their death sentence. The brunette goes first, standing in front of a wall. The guards take aim, and are about to fire when the brunette yells, "Tornado!", which distracts the guards, allowing her to get away. Next is the red-head. The guards aim their weapons, but she yells, "Earthquake!" and, seeing that the guards are distracted, gets away. The blonde is the last one. The guards take aim once again, and to distract them, the blonde yells, "Fire!".
;D
|
|
|
Post by turbomagnus on Jul 16, 2007 21:29:36 GMT -5
One of my favorites...
A man walks into a bar with his dog. Bartender says, "Hey, man, you can't bring that dog in here!"
"But this dog is special, he can talk!"
The bartender is not amused, but says, "Prove it and I'll let him stay."
"Red, how does sandpaper feel?"
"Ruff!"
"Red, what's the top of a house called?"
"Ruff!"
"Red, who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruff!"
The Bartender's had enough and at this throws the two outside. Sitting on the sidewalk, Red looks at his owner and comments, "Guess he's a DiMaggio fan."
|
|
|
Post by mhfplayer on Jul 16, 2007 21:35:13 GMT -5
A blond, brunette, and a red head are running from the cops. They run behind a gas station and find these big bags that say "POTATOES" on them. The brunette said," Let's hide in the bags!!!" They each grab a bag and get in them. The cops come behind the gas station and see the bags. They poke one of the POTATO bags and brunette goes "Rowf!!" so they think there is a dog in it. They poke the next POTATO bag and the red head goes "Meow." so they think there is a cat in it. They poke the last POTATO bag and the blond says "Potatoes, duh." A blond goes to a store and sees a TV on the shelf. She says, "I would like to buy this television." The manager says "No, you can't buy that TV." She leaves. She comes back the next day and says "May I buy this TV now?" The manager says, "No. You cannot." She leaves. She comes the next day. "May I PLEASE buy this TV now?" The manager says, "No. You can't." The blond says, "But why?!?" The manager says, "Cause that's a microwave not a TV." It is a cold day and a blond wears a beanie covering all of her hair. The blond goes to a farm and sees a field of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" "Yeah, sure", he says. She thinks and says, "276." The farmer, surprised, said "Why, that's right. You may pick one sheep." She picks out the friendliest, cutest sheep in the whole field. After the blond picked the sheep she wanted, the farmer says, "If I can guess what color your hair is, can I have my dog back?"
|
|
|
Post by grievous on Jul 16, 2007 21:47:53 GMT -5
Wow. No offense meant whatsoever but you should brush up on your history. Churchill was the British Prime Minister who held off the Nazis in Europe until America got its butt in gear and entered World War II. He's also generally regarded as one of the best leaders in all of history. He's also one of my personal favorites, right up there with Ronald Reagen.
Now, to a quick joke.
A man was severely injured in a car crash. However, most of the damage happened on the left side of his body. After getting rushed into the emergency room, a doctor came out to speak with the man's family. When they inquired if he would survive, the doctor answered as follows.
"Well, he's in intensive care but he'll be all right."
|
|
|
Post by turbomagnus on Jul 16, 2007 22:51:13 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?" "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
|
|
|
Post by superflytnt on Jul 16, 2007 23:12:50 GMT -5
THE BARTENDER, THE FROG, AND THE CON MAN
This patron walks into the bar and asks for a drink. After a few minutes, he asks the bartender how many drinks he could have if he showed him something so amazing he would NEVER see anything like it again. The bartender, not really interested, replies that he can have 3 drinks if he can impress him. The patron agrees, and quickly pulls a little box out of his pocket. He opens the box, and removes a frog wearing a tuxedo as well as a tiny piano. Upon cracking his knuckles, this frog begins to play chamber music for the bartender. Amazed, the bartender gives the man a bottle and says that the frog is more amazing than anything he'd ever seen, and that the bottle was on the house.
The patron then asks what he would get if he showed him something EVEN more impressive. The bartender, thinking that the man couldn't possibly top that, says that the man could have as many drinks as he wants EVERY TIME he comes into the bar if he can top it. Sure enough, the man reaches into the box again and pulls out a little naked mole-rat. The rat steadies himself, and the frog plays Billy Joel's hits while the mole-rat sings along in perfect tone and harmony.
By this time, the crowd is amazed and a man walks up with his checkbook asking how much he would take for the singing mole-rat. The patron replies that the mole-rat is priceless, and he could never part with him. After some negotiation, the man offers him two hundred thousand dollars, and the patron is resigned to accept it.
As the patron is walking out the door, he hears the new owner of the mole-rat bragging about how the piano playing frog wasn't nearly as amazing as the singing mole-rat, since not only can he sing, he must be able to speak as well, and that the patron gave up MILLIONS as he could've gotten much more for him. Without missing a beat, as he's walking out the door he belly laughs and replies: "Hey buddy, you're the one who got scrooed! The mole-rat isn't worth anything - the frog's a ventriloquist!"
|
|
|
Post by Turkish Van Cat on Sept 25, 2007 23:33:49 GMT -5
All right, I have another joke that I think is hilarious. I haven't taken chemistry yet, but I know enough to get the punch line.
What's a chemist's favorite kind of chip dip? ------------- Guacamole
Do you know why? ------------------------------------It's full of avogadro's! ;D
And then here's one I just thought up:
Why can't you find the Father of the Symphony? ------ Cuz he's Haydn from you. ;D
|
|
|
Post by greyelephant on Mar 22, 2008 14:23:52 GMT -5
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects and reflected light sources. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash, gruel or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could perceive voices and smell food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and ascertain how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but this time at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. I have tagged the bird as an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he observes and reports my every move from a lofty position. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in his elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2008 23:08:53 GMT -5
I always thought cats were more cerebral than we give them credit for... This proves it.
|
|
|
Post by grievous on Mar 23, 2008 12:16:18 GMT -5
ROFLOL. That was great, GE.
This is one I read on a Smash Bros. forum a while back. Transformers fans should also like it.
Q. What happens when Kirby inhales Jigglypuff? A. Transform and Rollout!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2008 14:37:09 GMT -5
ROFLOL. That was great, GE. This is one I read on a Smash Bros. forum a while back. Transformers fans should also like it. Q. What happens when Kirby inhales Jigglypuff? A. Transform and Rollout! Nice! ;D
|
|
enjo1
20 Point Trooper
????#??? ??????????? ?
Posts: 82
|
Post by enjo1 on Mar 23, 2008 18:04:31 GMT -5
heres one: a ham sandwich walks into a bar.. bartender says "sorry sir, we dont serve food here"
|
|